Tracy Jackson

For a long time I have wanted to share this testimony. So I stopped listening to my flesh and the devils lies. I know now I have nothing to be ashamed of. If this helps only one person, that is enough. In 2009 my family doctor and Rheumatologist diagnosed me with chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I had been in pain for almost a year, some days
the pain was unbearable, and I have quite a high tolerance for pain. I was also tired and exhausted most of the time. There were days that I could not even get out of bed. I was put on five medications. I was on more than the 98 year old lady I was caring for at that time, which did not make me feel any better! Depression started setting in, which meant my doctor wanted me on yet another medication. By this time, I knew I had to do something, and I needed help from Jesus, not a doctor, not a pill! My faith at the time was also weak, and after praying, the Lord laid upon my heart that I had to get rid of this unforgiveness that I had inside me for most of my life. I did not have the ideal childhood, and by the time I got into my early twenties, I not only had bitterness and anger in my heart for those who had
hurt me, and the trauma I had gone through, but I was also angry at God. How you could allow a child to go through what I went through, I’d ask Him. We did not go to church when I was growing up, the only time I went was when I went with a friend, or VBS at different churches. When I was four years old, I was raped many times. The man who did this to me was a person who my family trusted, and a doctor who was loved and trusted by the community. I was left in his and his wife’s care while my single mother worked. By the time I hit my mid twenties, this man was on his death bed dying of cancer. I was having all kinds of feelings of revenge from hunting him down and confronting him and saying well look who is suffering now, I am no longer the little girl you can hurt. I wanted revenge terribly, and was willing to do anything to get it. I wanted his life ruined for the pain I had endured and I wanted him to know I would be responsible for that. Not long after I found out of his death, I hate to say this today, but I had wished he was burning in Hell for what he had done. Today I do not wish eternity in Hell on anyone. Wanting revenge is something
a lot of people want when they have been wronged but it is not one that we can indulge in. We want to pay back for damage done, and God promises to do just that. He will be our vindicator we just have to obey Him (Hebrews 10:30). My mother had married a man when I was 6 years old, their relationship got very abusive, my step-fathers temper was horrible, and he was very controlling. From the time I was 12 till I left at 18 was the worst part. I was
witnessing my mother getting beat up a lot, sometimes to the point of her going to the hospital and I felt like I was constantly calling the police. On the outside we looked like the perfect family, and my step-father was very, very cleaver with showing that, not to mention his families’ money to cover it all up! My stepfather came from one of the wealthiest
families in this area. There was nothing my mother and I wanted for. One thing we did not get, and we did ‘want for’ and most important of all, was love! Deep inside I envied my friends, even the ones whose parents barely paid their bills, I saw they were happy and in a loving environment. All my friends could see was all the material things I had, and the money I carried. When I was 16 my stepfather molested me. Afterwards I started running away from home and staying gone for weeks. My real father wanting to kill him. So we attended Christian counseling for family therapy. Looking back I wish that we had started going to church as well. At first things seemed to go well, but by the time I was 18, things were back to where they were and I was barely able to stay awake at school from the stress I was going through at home. Depression was really taking a toll. Thank God I had met the love of my life and future husband. He kept me stable! Paul and I had met a few months before my 18th birthday. I finally left home soon after finishing school, my mother soon left, and a year later she divorced him. I still held onto anger at God, still saying
how could you do this to a child? Through all of what I had gone through as a child and a teenager, I thank the Lord I never turned to alcohol or drugs to cover up that pain. I only wished then I had turned to God for comfort instead of blaming him. Back in 2005, the stepfather had suddenly passed away, again I had that feeling of being vindicated,
but I did hope that he had changed his life, accepted Jesus, and got saved before his passing. I still had anger, resentment, and bitterness deep inside. I did not realize this. Most importantly, I did not realize that I had locked myself in a prison of negative emotions, and how important faith and forgiveness was to my health and healing. Not only did
I have the anger to deal with but it has taken many, many years to trust people, which I admit is something I am still working on today, but I have come a long way! A year and a half after my diagnosis, I knew I had to get closer to the Lord. I had no choice but to have faith in my healing and to work on forgiving not only these people who had hurt me
but forgiveness in general. One day I had an appointment with my Rheumatologist and without my telling him, I had stopped all my medications cold turkey, a few weeks prior to this appointment. I know that is a big no, no (especially in a doctor’s eyes) and I am not telling anyone to do this. This was just something Paul and I felt I needed to do. At
this same time period I was developing a closer relationship with Jesus as well. My husband had been fasting for three days; little did I know he had been praying for me and my healing that whole time. So at this appointment with the Rheumatologist the doctor could not believe how well I was doing, without my knowing where he would touch
next, all of the most tender areas did not hurt at all. A few days later, I had an appointment with my regular family doctor to go over a physical I had a few days prior. She was in complete awe of my blood work, saying she had never seen blood work look that good; she said the numbers were perfect! And I had never looked better, whatever I was
doing keep it up she said! I admitted to her that I was no longer taking any pills, (which she was okay with) and that this was the Lords work! I was so happy and immediately called Paul my Husband. He said “yeah, I knew you would get a good report!” I was like huh? He told me of his praying for me during his fasting. It has been two years ago, and I have not had any Fibromyalgia pain, and I have more energy, praise God!! I hardly ever even get a headache! Thank you Jesus!!
In December of 2011, I was told something that really shocked me; as a matter of fact I had never in my life been so shocked. I was told the man who had raped me when I was little was my maternal grandfather. Not only was I in complete shock over this news but the man I was told all my life was my grandfather, that I looked up to and loved
like he was my daddy, wasn’t really my grandfather now. I believe with all of my heart that precious man died believing I was his grandchild and my mother was his child as well. In my eyes, the man I knew as my “grandfather” was my papaw blood or not. I will never love him any less, and will always say he is my grandfather. After hearing this news, this was a time that the devil wanted to plant seeds of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness, and open up old wounds again. But praise God, I still have His peace and love in my heart! Jesus taught me how to forgive as He forgave me. I am not an abused victim! I am not a victim of anything! I am healed!
I am an over comer in Christ!